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A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. ” “It’s new, so yes.” “Would she use my golf clubs? She’s left-handed.” Feeling listless, I bought some expensive “brain-stimulating” pills at the health food store. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear windshield. I thought about it for a minute, then answered, “Dennis Quaid.” “In that case,” she said, “I’ll play myself.” An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and ,000 in cash. But it wasn’t until I got home that I read the label. He leaps out, performs a little jig, and lives another ten years before eventually keeling over. When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. “At least 70 people called and told me so.” My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us. “Your Honour, I stole a can of peaches.” The judge replied, “How many peaches were in the can?’” As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, “After this, you can’t have sex for at least three days.” “Did you hear that? I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! ” A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years. • I could have as many babies as I want because giving birth is free. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, “It’s good to be in my own bed, with my own wife! Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, “It makes an awful noise, but it works.” “That’s okay,” she said, taking it.• He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone. “I have a husband at home like that.” When I asked a friend the secret to his 52 years of marriage, he replied, “We never go to sleep angry.” “That’s a great philosophy,” I noted. And the longest we’ve been awake so far is five days.” ‘If I were to die first, would you remarry? “Well,” says the husband, “I’m in good health, so why not? ” “It’s all paid up, so yes.” “Would she drive my car? “They die after about a week.” “So could you,” I shot back, “but I still like having you around.” My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner.

I’ve gone shopping to make you your favourite dinner tonight. ” He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. The floor’s still wet.” The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modelled? So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day? The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding? ” The wife turns and asks, “What is wrong with you? My mother mumbled, “I did.” Clearly, my husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. “Well,” said her husband to the shaken pastor when it ended, “she’s there.” Last June, my friend told me about her plans for our upcoming prom.

Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. Oh, and what colours do you want for the reception? “Then I’ll marry you.” “You can’t marry me either.” He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.” “You mean I have to marry a total stranger?! A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get? “I’m married.” On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. I came down to scare him.” Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.” Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking? My career as an artist was going nowhere, my horseback riding was no longer fulfilling, and in general I felt unattractive. He shared his secret: “Tell her she’s good at stuff and that she looks beautiful.” A customer at a coffee shop was clearly peeved by the text message he’d just received. “My wife.” “When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist,” said my husband’s grandfather. ” I was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came in, looking for her husband’s keys. I finally peeked underneath the bed closest to the wall. “He wouldn’t have gone anywhere near it.” There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. I just paid someone 0 to tell me what’s wrong with me,’ ” he said.

Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit. My husband did his best to be supportive: “You’re a great artist,” “You’re a wonderful equestrian,” “You’re the most beautiful woman I know.” One day, after another bad ride, I told him my horse seemed depressed. “You ever have that ex-girlfriend who just won’t go away? Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, “Now look how much I got. ” A fourth marriage meant yet another name change for me. “And based on that, considering we’ve been married 23 years, she’d hand me a bill for 8,000.” On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.

I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher. I didn’t realize the upheaval it had caused until I asked my father why I hadn’t heard from him in a while. “You could’ve looked it up in the phone book.” “I didn’t know what name to look under.” Every night, Harry goes out drinking. One day, one of Louise’s friends suggests that she try a different tack. “For example,” he began, pointing to my husband, David, “do you know your wife’s favourite flower?

“Welcome him home with a kiss and some loving words,” she says. ” David answered, “Pillsbury All Purpose.” Though the vocabulary words we were learning in my second-grade class sort of sounded the same, they had very different meanings.

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